It wasn’t giving up, really. I’ve been complaining for a long time now about the travails of daily pumping at work, but I couldn’t pull the trigger.

This was pretty much because Jameson was still nursing in the morning. It was a pleasant wake up, one of the few times he completely relaxed into my arms. He’s very active, and when he’s tired he just wants to be laid down in his crib to fall asleep by himself. Not a lot of rocking or swaying for this guy anymore. You may think that is lucky, but mostly now I just think it’s sad.

Then one day, at my parents house, it was the last day, and we didn’t even know it. That was probably was for the best. On Sunday, August 7 we nursed for the last time.

Monday, he started biting me. He wouldn’t stop, it seemed like he just was going to continue. We tried Tuesday and Wednesday, and he kept biting. Mr. Jameson is a chewer and gnaw-er of all things. He puts everything in his mouth. I suppose it’s only natural that he try to chew me like he can chew his sippy cups and bottles and toys.

So, it seems like he chose it himself, and that was the anti-climatic end of breastfeeding.

I continued to pump at work and once at home. I told Brian I wanted to quit, again and again. Pumping is not particularly a happy experience, and I had finally had enough. I suppose I was looking for validation from him that it was okay to stop, that I had finally done enough. Jameson is healthy, he takes formula without issues, there was no reason other than the ongoing health benefits to continue. And it was making me unhappy and stressed, the less I was able to pump.

As a compromise to myself, I stopped pumping in the evenings. I chose the evenings because then I could wash parts early in the evening rather than when I was exhausted right before bed, and because the mornings were still the best time to get the most milk.

Then I planned the date I was going to quit for a couple weeks out. It was going to be a Thursday. I would pump once more, and that Friday I wouldn’t pump at all. I would be uncomfortable over the weekend, and then all would be well.

I opted to quit on a Monday, suddenly. I don’t know who does that, but I did, because I was impatient. And I didn’t even feel a thing. August 21 was my final pumping session and instead of feeling free, or relieved, or excited, I didn’t really feel anything at all. Just another work day, with an extra half hour in it. Likewise, I didn’t have any pain or discomfort. I must have weaned myself well.

And that was the end. A day or two out, I was appreciating wearing real bras again, but I’m still waiting for my final size, so they fit less than perfect. I haven’t put the pump away yet, maybe then it will seem more final.

Jameson holds his own bottle now.

Tuesday night he did actually nuzzle back into my arms after I burped him at night. And the other day he turned to me, stretched far and reached out his arms to grab at my legs, pulling himself to me. So these little things I can appreciate more now, I think. I guess we are turned to the next chapter.

This post is linked up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can’t Say. Visit Things I Can’t Say for more PYHO stories

Abbreviated conversation with Jameson’s pediatrician.

Me: Jameson has been on Similac Advance [regular] formula for 3 weeks now, mixed with breastmilk. Since then, the daycare has been complaining that he is very fussy, but that he always is happier after he has a bowel movement.

[I go on and on here, talking about how I thought it was teething, but daycare keeps insisting on the BM issue]

Dr: Is he actively teething now?

Me: Yes, I felt his mouth yesterday and it is sharper!

Dr: Have you noticed his fussiness yourself?

Me: I only see him for an hour on the weekdays before he goes to bed.

Dr: How about on the weekends?

Me: That is only a couple days, we didn’t know the association between bowel movements and him being less fussy.

Dr: You can try gas drops, though if he isn’t very gassy, it may not help. It won’t hurt though. Also prunes and prune juice.

Me: We did prunes for about a week every night, no change.

Dr: It could be a formula issue or a teething issue. I recommend watching him a couple days, watch his stools, and if you’re still concerned please bring him in. We can check a stool sample and his belly.

[Pause]

Dr: Is that okay?

Me: It’s just that it’s been 3 weeks already..

Dr: We can bring him in now if you like

Me: Well, these next couple days are so busy with meetings…

Dr: I can offer you some samples of the gentle formulas if you like. There isn’t real science behind them since very few babies are actually lactose intolerant, but many parents swear by them.

Me: Well, I don’t know if I have time to get out there [during regular office hours]. If I were to buy one, which one would be good? I know there are no-lactose and low-lactose ones…

[blah blah blah, Dr doesn’t recommend one or another in particular but does say we shouldn’t continue to switch in search of a perfect formula]

Me: Okay, well thank you. We’ll try this and if we are still seeing issues, we’ll bring him in.

Confession: I was already at Target, prepared to buy a new formula.
Confession 2: We really don’t know if it’s teething or not. I can only go on daycare’s opinion on this, and that makes me feel awful.
Confession 3: My email to Brian after this ended with these words: I have mixed feelings, I don’t know the right answer…

If we are estimating 3 times a day at about 20 minutes since I went back to work, and 1 time a day since Jameson was 3 weeks old, I have spent approximately 147 hours pumping – that is 8,820 minutes or nearly one full week of just pumping (alright, I did round up. It’s actually like 6.1 days, but that may as well be a full week, right?).

Since switching jobs, I have decreased the number of feedings by two, in preparation to quit. The extra pumping session at work, and the overnight feeding.

I’m not preparing to quit because I don’t have time at work – sometimes it is actually nice to get away for a bit. I have even been reading again during my 20 minute pumping sessions at work (rather than writing blog posts; those I do at home now and prepare most during the weekend).

[Side note: The room is nicer at my job here. If you remember, I showed some pictures of my previous job’s lactation room. Here’s what it looks like here.

The room was re-done very recently; since I have started, they have removed the office desk that was in the room. I wish I had gotten before and afters of that. (though, the glass side table is a poor choice, which I need to note to HR sometime). And look! I even have a refrigerator!]

I want to quit because Jameson stopped nursing before bed, so that was a FOURTH pumping session I was adding in, and 4 was too much for me. So it’s still 3 pumpings, twice at work and once at home.

It’s because of the endless cycle of it all, the nursing tank tops I wear every. day. , the perpetual cleaning of parts: the wiping down after each session, the washing at night, every night.

It’s because I want to wear real clothes, and I really want to go ride roller coasters all day long without needing to pump, or scheduling things around when I need to pump. I want to leave the pump at home. Better yet, pack it up and put it away.

It’s because I want to be able to have a glass of wine at dinner without feeling the (sometimes irrational) need to pour half the amount; or not at all if I need to pump within the hour.

I almost want to stop enough to really call it quits, but not quite yet. I sometimes wish that I would completely stop lactating without me having to choose though. The good thing about supplementing is that I don’t worry so much about the milk. The bad thing is that in continuing to provide mother’s milk while supplementing with formula is that when I decide to quit it will be my decision.

Which of course involves guilt, and maybe a little disappointment in myself, my selfishness. It’s easier at this point if the environment or my body takes that choice away, and then there is no option, I just quit.

(This is not to detract from others’ choices or lack of choices when it comes to nursing or pumping for their children, as these are my personal feelings on the matter and no others)

But for now, Jameson is still nursing in the morning when he wakes, and he’s having a few (common) digestive issues (i.e., constipation) so mommy’s milk still seems important, too important to quit.

And yes, I know it is important. I am just not sure when it won’t seem as important to me. But it better be before summer is up, so I can go to Cedar Point (and leave the pump behind).

It’s official, we’re supplementing. After over 6 months of being exclusively breastfed, I came to the conclusion that I am not making enough for Jameson anymore. We had two weeks of me not freezing any milk, and only producing about 2/3 of his bottles per day, and it was time to face the music.

I debated about trying fenugreek or other so-called galactagogues to try and increase milk supply, but decided I will let nature take its course at this point. My decision is based on a number of reasons, but mainly, I am tired of stressing out over not making enough milk, and a stressed out mom is not a happy mom.

I am not quitting yet, but for sure I need help meeting Jameson’s needs.

At the doctor on Tuesday we asked for some samples, and since we have more samples of Similac at home than Enfamil, that is the formula of choice. So far, so okay. Jameson was a little too tired to eat well last night, but with a bottle half mom milk and half formula, he drank down half of that.

And then he slept through the night.

Now… I don’t want to jump the gun… or make assumptions… since he has on occasion slept the night through before, but that was when “sleeping through the night” meant from 11pm to 6am, or 9pm to 5am.

Last night was 7pm through 6:45am.

This weekend is a long weekend for Brian and I, so we will continue to supplement here and there to get him used to the formula and we’ll see! Maybe we’ve turned the corner.

As excited as I am about the possibility of getting a full nights rest (almost) every night, I am also a little sad. Because Jameson has started refusing to nurse from me except in the middle of the night and sometimes his wake up feeding. I no longer nurse him to sleep, and if the middle of the night feeding goes away, it seems a short jump to being an exclusive pumper. Which, by the way, I do not like. Pumping is not fun, no matter how you look at it.

But it is what it is, and I cannot force change backward. All we can do is move forward! And maybe get a bit more sleep.